5 Months Old

Tanner is 5 months old today.. where have have the last months gone? it seems like just yesterday I was not so patiently waiting for it to be the month of march and we were getting last minute items and preparing and worrying about not having time, it sure is a good thing we were prepared because when he decided to come he sure was not waiting, his whole labour and birth is almost a blur but I still can see faces and hear things like it was just last week

My sweet baby boy is changing so fast .. doing everything about a month ahead of most babies I am so proud he is smiling and laughing rolling and scooting all over the place he sure knows how to get around if he wants something he is still my little cuddle bug and I love that he loves to be held pretty soon he will be crawling he gets up on his hand or knees but not both at the same time just yet, he also has a tooth if you want to call it that it is a one year molar and now I am sure that is why the little guy woke up a few times crying in the middle of the night.. *sigh* I want my little new born baby who needs me for every little thing back ..

He is so smart and beautiful I literally love him more with each day, however I think I worry more each day about loosing him waking up one morning to it all being a dream ahhh what's wrong with me? Time goes way to fast and I just wish I could hold him tightly and he would stay this small in this moment forever!

Happy Five Months My Little Man .. Mommy Loves You With Her Whole Heart

Love,Life,Friends

I don't actually have any friends, I do not go anywhere and I do not know anyone .. I lost touch with all my friends way back 5 years ago and just never looked for any of them or tried in the least bit to stay in contact .. Stupid on my part but in the long run it may be better because then I don't have to deal with drama and he said she said etc.. However it does get pretty lonely .. Having no one to go anywhere with .. no one to have over for dinner or to just chat and no one to trust with my kids .. It's pretty quiet when you have no one to talk to in "real life"

There are a select few I'd give the time of day to but I seem to have had moments of immature/ stupid and screwed that up . Maybe there will be a chance to redeem myself in time who knows? I have come to realize .. I do need friends .. people to lean on people to talk to people to trust and vent to .. Now that it's pretty late in life I finally know I can't do everything on my own I am not OK with being alone and having no one to turn to.

Life is pretty good .. things are pretty busy yet calm .. in the next few weeks we have alot happening .. this weekend we are taking off to Nova Scotia to visit AJ's dad and step mom Donna .. I want them to see Tanner as much as possible .. his dad is navy and so he is away at sea alot so we hope to take every chance to have them here or go there. His dad doesn't know we are coming but Donna does hehe sneaky .. and then once we are back it's off to take the kids to the Frex at some point, we were supposed to be going to Saint John for a ball tournement but AJ now has some work thing on that weekend so I will take the kids to the Frex and have him meet us.
Two weeks after that we have AJ's big day his graduation and promotion, then of course we go into Thanksgiving and Christmas shopping in Moncton.

Loving life ..Things couldn't be much better I am working on things I don't like and I am feeling at peace with things from the past .. As I said before I am me .. I am a work in progress But I am going to like and Love the me I am becoming!!

Dreams And Realities

I often wonder how much of a dream is just something made up or how much is true and maybe a bit of reality .. I have had so many dreams lately some bad, some good, and some just plain odd!

I really wonder what dreams mean and if something is to be said from some of them? I really believe they are just nothing and your imagination running wild as you let the thoughts from the day lay to rest lately my ex has been part of some of them and they are just to hard to believe or begin to understand that it is actually pretty funny, I mean one dream the other night was my ex and AJ becoming friends and when I told AJ that he needed to either be with me or be friends with him he actually chose to be friends with this person LOL I suddenly awoke in a fit of laughter. I just think my mind really over works on everything and so when I sleep it does this as well!

I have dreams in our life as well that will one day be realities such as I dream of making my living taking photos I think I would like to specialize in weddings and maternity/baby's but I would love to do just anything, I will be opening a studio and will run a business in my own name We will have our 2 other children and be the big family I have dreamed of we will be OK money wise and will be able to do things as a family .. I dream of family vacations and my kids growing up and just all these great things I hope to see in my life.

I am so excited and proud of AJ his course graduation is coming up September 24Th and he is being promoted then as well to a Corporal which means he will be getting 9 months back pay on top of his CB money and regular pay, He was eligible for this back in January but did not know that our base is 4 years not 5 for this promotion! so exciting .. so we talked about taking a weekend away to do some Christmas shopping and he wants to buy my camera or laptop and we can put some money into savings etc..I really think the 300-400 dollars extra a pay will put us where we are no longer just getting by but we are able to save and be less stressed and worried. I am not worrying about Christmas for my kids now and that's a huge weight lifted! I am so proud of him and so excited for him, I know he has missed a lot and will miss much more but I am glad he pushes threw and does everything each day for the kids and I.

It seems as though things are starting to fall into place and our life is starting to unfold ..I really cannot wait to see what the future holds!

Today,Tomorrow The Future

Today has been yet another one of those days that crawls by, not that I am arguing because it is just that much more time with AJ but wow you think its noon yet its only 10am LOL actually the last few days have been this way and it's driving me nuts, I love what feels like extra time with my little man and my girl but wow days are dragging on so bad.

Today we finally got Maddy's room all cleaned .. her clothes all put away and hung up in the closet all toys in the bins and her toy organizer all cleaned up and sorted, floors swept and moped, I put away all of Tanner's clothes and hung them up Thursday night so now just our room, the bathroom needs cleaning and then living,dining room and kitchen Lots of work ahead But it needs done because I haven't done it since before going away two weeks ago and well AJ does his best but it's not really my standard :) Love you Hun!
Once we get this house all back in order and cleaned up it will be my daily chores to keep up on and that's not a big task.

We think often about trying for another little one asap but then I think where would we put him/her we only have a three bedroom house at the moment, how would we buy diapers for two and formula for two but then I think well Tanner will be on cow's milk by then and I could always breast feed and cloth diaper, we actually have been thinking of trying some cloth diapers on Tanner .. So I may be blogging about that sometime soon! We are gearing up to buy him some new toys a jumparoo to start I bet he will love it, He still enjoys tummy time on his playmate so we are getting lots of use out of that. So for now I think as long as we haven't already created another life I think I will pick up my three months worth of birth control pills and then have the other prescription filled which is twelve months worth then we will be in a better place money wise and Tanner will be closer to two and I won't feel as I have cheated him.

Questions?

So many thoughts and questions I am sure others have as well
I find myself always wondering all these What,When,Where And Who questions and as I sit and my mind over works I keep thinking deeper and deeper .. I wonder does everyone get the chance at love like I have found? Does everyone get their one great love? that special person who takes their breath away that someone who you can't fully function without, the one person who makes you smile,laugh and cry the one who makes your blood boil yet you know they are always there for you they will never try to hurt you.

I often wonder what did I do to deserve the love I have found, I have the most wonderful man in my life and even after many problems and lots of pushing him away and keeping walls up around my heart he still fought to break those walls down and he continued to love me as I pushed we now have what I would call a wonderful life and so much love for one another so much love for our family.

I wonder how it is decided who finds such great love and who doesn't is there someone out there for everyone and do they just miss that chance because they are to consumed with other things in life or is there something in the cards that says so and so will be alone .. or so and so will have a long relationship or so and so will be married with kids I have failed to understand "God's Plan" on many occasions and I sometime believe that saying " you are never given more then you can handle" and other times I question it all.

I guess I am one of the lucky ones I know what I want in life and I know how to get it, I knew I would one day have my "one true love" and I now do yet he came to me at a time in my life I did not expect at all I was not looking I was not even worried about a man in my life at the time .. I feel as though I shouldn't talk about us with some because they don't have what I have yet they are longing for it and more then likely they are way more deserving of it then I am!

Choices..

I have made many choices so far in my life some bad and some good, Lately I feel as tho I need to make some choices and really stick to them!I am 23, mother to two beautiful children and common law wife to a military man. we have our own home, our own bills, our own life and our own family but for some reason I still seek approval of everyone else, I won't do things unless others think it is OK .. I care to much about what others think and try to keep peace and do whatever anyone else wants.

Recently while away for two weeks I had some problems I always do when over thinking and worrying way to much about things that are not even relevant and then one day AJ and I had a huge heart to heart over the phone,in between MSN messages and texts we decided it was time I open up, I turn to him and we do what is best for each other, ourselves and our family.If I want something I should just do it why bother to care what others think? I mean it is always nice to have support and it does make things easier but when no one supports anything you do why bother to try and make everyone around you happy if you aren't the least bit happy?

OK so I am not very old and still have plenty to learn about life and have yet to experience many things But I have been through enough in my life and have dealt with more then most people can ever begin to imagine.I have had the bad relationship with abuse, cheating and lying in the end I grew stronger and weaker all in one, I am stronger because I stood up and said ENOUGH there was no way someone was ever going to treat my little girl as I had been treated there was no way I was going to let her believe for one second that being treated that way was OK, Yet I am that much weaker because maybe I gave up? maybe I am a quitter I am weak because I have no self confidence, no self esteem, no self worth when someone takes that from you I honestly don't know if it can be regained.. I however am trying hard I still can't take a compliment and don't like to look in the mirror much but I am working on ME.

I spent alot of time alone 28 months actually and so it was hard to feel like I could be loved, like I was worth being loved and if I was even worth the time of day to someone else .. now here I was single and mom to one living in my parents home .. who would want that? why would they want that? however I set out to see if someone out there somewhere maybe would be looking for the things In life I had been searching for I never thought for one minute I would fall so in love but I did and pretty soon after meeting him I just felt like I had never felt before, So in turn I did everything in my power to push him away because I did not deserve him .. I did not earn the way he looked at me the way he talked to me the way he treated me it was while almost loosing him that i decided enough was enough , well I really only have been hanging onto him by a thread all this time until recently.

In the time I have been with him we have suffered great joy and sadnessLast year April 5Th 2007 is a day that I will not ever forgot we lost our first baby together at 15 weeks we thought we were in a safe zone, we thought soon we would be finding out the sex of our baby and when that all came crashing down around us we started to fall apart even tho neither of us said or did anything you could tell we were only staying together because neither of us wanted to be single at that point we knew we had to talk we had to work on it, we knew right away we wanted to try again and so we did and two months later we fell pregnant again, this time we were so cautious and worried yet he reassured his love for me and I started really soul searching .. Our son was born March 28Th 2008 and I fell so deeply in love, seeing him with our baby was not like watching him with my daughter it was something out of this world, I just knew right from that moment I first saw them together there was no way I was willing to loose this guy anymore .. no way I was going to just let him slip away because I was so afraid BUT a few Months ago I decided no more was I willing to hold on so tight, this job of his has taken so much from me I felt so robbed he missed our baby's birth because of the job he missed 7 weeks of our newborns life because of the job he is going to miss so much more and Yet I feel like it's my life on hold, me to fallow him around me to wait on him .Then I realized this is not about me I have been so selfish and mis-understanding, I have only been thinking about Me and My feelings ..It is actually Tanner and Madyson who are going to miss out and hurt the most as well as AJ. However two weeks ago we both said this is what we want this is what we need and so here we are the NEW US no more caring what others think, no more waiting we are going to do what we want when we want .. Our choice our decisions together!

If we want more babies it is our choice as to when and how many more, if we want to get married it will be Our choice as to where,when and everything that goes with it if we choose to reach out for help then we will care what others have to say, If we want to have Thanksgiving alone and Christmas as a family that is our choice this is OUR life and I cannot wait to see what is in store for us I cannot wait to see what the future holds!

I am me and I am still a work in progress but everything Is starting to come together In time I will be great, I am realizing who I can turn to who I can count on and who will support me in whatever I want/need.I am becoming the women I always knew I could be, I am truly starting to Love ME and My life .. OUR LIFE

4 Month Doctor Visit!

Well today Tanner had his 4 month check up, Little man is doing wonderful!He is growing so well he now weighs 15 pounds 1 ounce ( and that is after eating a 7 ounce bottle)and he is now 25.6 inches long and his head is 16.9 inches Grow little man grow!

Our big guy is so strong and never cried at all he did not even blink with the two needles, he got one in each leg and so far he is still as happy as can be and not having any pain in either side!! He has had awsome neck and head control since the day he was born and he is very strong he just loves tummy time and makes his way around very well these days.

He is now rolling, babbling, sucking his index finger and scooting all over the place!Daddy got to see him roll in person finally last night before bed time! he is such an angel and we just love him so much, those smiles just melt our hearts and those little giggles are the best!

Our New Blog

I decided to start this blog as a place to update on our life, the kids and to just write vents and to maybe get some feelings out when I have no idea how else to do that!Things are sometime stressful but being a military spouse makes it that much harder, I am still trying to get used to this life and taking it just one day at a time seems to be what works! Things sure have not been as easy for us as they are for some but we are for sure not like many other people, I for one have my own mind,feelings and ways of looking at things although sometimes I drive myself crazy with my over working mind, BUT We are happy we are in love and I would NOT change anything because it has made us who we are as a couple as a family and as individuals.