Choices..

I have made many choices so far in my life some bad and some good, Lately I feel as tho I need to make some choices and really stick to them!I am 23, mother to two beautiful children and common law wife to a military man. we have our own home, our own bills, our own life and our own family but for some reason I still seek approval of everyone else, I won't do things unless others think it is OK .. I care to much about what others think and try to keep peace and do whatever anyone else wants.

Recently while away for two weeks I had some problems I always do when over thinking and worrying way to much about things that are not even relevant and then one day AJ and I had a huge heart to heart over the phone,in between MSN messages and texts we decided it was time I open up, I turn to him and we do what is best for each other, ourselves and our family.If I want something I should just do it why bother to care what others think? I mean it is always nice to have support and it does make things easier but when no one supports anything you do why bother to try and make everyone around you happy if you aren't the least bit happy?

OK so I am not very old and still have plenty to learn about life and have yet to experience many things But I have been through enough in my life and have dealt with more then most people can ever begin to imagine.I have had the bad relationship with abuse, cheating and lying in the end I grew stronger and weaker all in one, I am stronger because I stood up and said ENOUGH there was no way someone was ever going to treat my little girl as I had been treated there was no way I was going to let her believe for one second that being treated that way was OK, Yet I am that much weaker because maybe I gave up? maybe I am a quitter I am weak because I have no self confidence, no self esteem, no self worth when someone takes that from you I honestly don't know if it can be regained.. I however am trying hard I still can't take a compliment and don't like to look in the mirror much but I am working on ME.

I spent alot of time alone 28 months actually and so it was hard to feel like I could be loved, like I was worth being loved and if I was even worth the time of day to someone else .. now here I was single and mom to one living in my parents home .. who would want that? why would they want that? however I set out to see if someone out there somewhere maybe would be looking for the things In life I had been searching for I never thought for one minute I would fall so in love but I did and pretty soon after meeting him I just felt like I had never felt before, So in turn I did everything in my power to push him away because I did not deserve him .. I did not earn the way he looked at me the way he talked to me the way he treated me it was while almost loosing him that i decided enough was enough , well I really only have been hanging onto him by a thread all this time until recently.

In the time I have been with him we have suffered great joy and sadnessLast year April 5Th 2007 is a day that I will not ever forgot we lost our first baby together at 15 weeks we thought we were in a safe zone, we thought soon we would be finding out the sex of our baby and when that all came crashing down around us we started to fall apart even tho neither of us said or did anything you could tell we were only staying together because neither of us wanted to be single at that point we knew we had to talk we had to work on it, we knew right away we wanted to try again and so we did and two months later we fell pregnant again, this time we were so cautious and worried yet he reassured his love for me and I started really soul searching .. Our son was born March 28Th 2008 and I fell so deeply in love, seeing him with our baby was not like watching him with my daughter it was something out of this world, I just knew right from that moment I first saw them together there was no way I was willing to loose this guy anymore .. no way I was going to just let him slip away because I was so afraid BUT a few Months ago I decided no more was I willing to hold on so tight, this job of his has taken so much from me I felt so robbed he missed our baby's birth because of the job he missed 7 weeks of our newborns life because of the job he is going to miss so much more and Yet I feel like it's my life on hold, me to fallow him around me to wait on him .Then I realized this is not about me I have been so selfish and mis-understanding, I have only been thinking about Me and My feelings ..It is actually Tanner and Madyson who are going to miss out and hurt the most as well as AJ. However two weeks ago we both said this is what we want this is what we need and so here we are the NEW US no more caring what others think, no more waiting we are going to do what we want when we want .. Our choice our decisions together!

If we want more babies it is our choice as to when and how many more, if we want to get married it will be Our choice as to where,when and everything that goes with it if we choose to reach out for help then we will care what others have to say, If we want to have Thanksgiving alone and Christmas as a family that is our choice this is OUR life and I cannot wait to see what is in store for us I cannot wait to see what the future holds!

I am me and I am still a work in progress but everything Is starting to come together In time I will be great, I am realizing who I can turn to who I can count on and who will support me in whatever I want/need.I am becoming the women I always knew I could be, I am truly starting to Love ME and My life .. OUR LIFE